I have very little use for the concept of “romance.” But nonetheless I believe that a daring rescue of a damsel in distress is one of the noblest things a man can do.

I was out to the club last night with a couple of good-looking ladies and a couple friends. As per usual whenever hot people go to a dance club there was lots of USA going on (Unwanted Sexual Attention). And there are those people who seem to use drugs and alcohol as tools to help them achieve their maximum potential for being super annoying. Have you ever noticed, one of the weird things a dude will do in a bar is hit on a girl by saying “I’m not trying to hit on you”? Anyway I am not even a sexygirl and still I found myself on the receiving end of some too-talky dudes who were oblivious to the most basic concepts of social skill.

“‘DJ Eviction,’ what kind of a name is that, I mean, ‘eviction,’ that’s not very inviting, it’s like you’re evicting people from the dance floor when you should be trying to invite people like inviting them to come and dance, yeah like ‘DJ Housewarming,’ haha right that’s funny, but eviction that just makes me think of the end of the month like when it’s the end of the month and I’m running out of money and I have to go out on the street and give blowjobs for five bucks to make money yeah those were dark times anyway just ignore everything I say, I try not to talk about those times too much back when I was out on the street giving blowjobs for five bucks, just ignore me I talk too much.”

Meanwhile I’m starting to back away from this dude and I’m looking around for all my friends while trying to think the words “help me” out loud.

So I got together with my crew and we came up with a secret signal. We’ve had some amazing results with it so I wanted to share it with all of you. It’s the “Rescue Needed” signal and it’s for use anytime you are desperate to get away from someone. The signal consists of placing two fingers of your left hand against your temple while opening your eyes wide and making eye contact with one your friends, like this:

You might read the Internet and think “Well if someone is being a total boor, way don’t you just walk away from them” and of course I agree but in reality there are a lot of people, I think women especially, who find it difficult and stressful to have to be rude to someone like that. Sometimes you don’t want to be cruel to someone, you just want to escape from them; and anyway I find that everybody appreciates it when a third party swoops in and offers a quick escape from a socially awkward or uncomfortable situation.

We wound up putting this signal into practice at least four times last night and it always brings about a little celebration. There’s a certain euphoria that seems to accompany any successful getaway. Victory over sketchy dudes in bars!

You have to make an agreement with all of your friends that you will step in immediately whenever you spot one of them giving the two-finger signal. There’s no real trick to whisking someone away; all it takes is a bit of energy. My advice is just run up to your friend exactly the way you would if her car were on fire. Do not even acknowledge the sketchy guy who’s saying all the weird shit to her. Grab her by the arm while talking a bunch of urgent nonsense. “Ohmygod I need you to comewithmeRIGHTAWAY this is insane youhavetocomewithme NOW” while pulling her off until you get far enough away from the obstacle that she can give you a big hug and say, “Thank you SO. MUCH.”

I used to have to rely on body language in deciding when to pull off a daring rescue. But body language is ambiguous sometimes and the last thing I would ever want to do is pull a lady away from a conversation she is actually enjoying because that would make me nothing better than a low-down dirty cockblocker. Whereas now, the signal makes everything certain.

Two fingers to the temple was not chosen as an arbitrary gesture, by the way. As soon as I’m done building a porn laser I’m going to perfect a Bore Destroyer that sits in the frontal lobe of your brain and shoots a beam of light out of your eyes to vaporize all the annoying people at a party. So watch out for that.

“But what if all the douchebags read your site and learn to recognise the secret signal?” a lady wanted to know.

“Douchebags don’t read Hot Action,” I said. “Or maybe they do. But they don’t understand it.”

soundtrack:
Toxic Avenger – Escape! (Bloody Beetroots remix)

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