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I'm looking at my work schedule and thinking, "Dammit... there's no way I'm going to get to have any of the sex for the next three days."

It sucks but work is just a fact of life. And whatever spare time I get, I'll have to use preparing for the show I'm playing in Hell's Kitchen on Wednesday night. Theoretically, I'll also have to sleep sometime. So that's that.

It makes me realize that the one thing I miss about monogamous relationships is the quickie. "Honey, I have to be at the bus stop in fifteen minutes... so turn around and lift up your skirt."

I don't get quickies that often. Any time I go home with someone for the first time, I have to make sure I take the time to do things up right. I wouldn't want to just go out and pick someone up if all I was in the mood for was a quickie. That would probably not make a good first impression.

Sometimes I get off a quick one if I've already shagged her four times and I'm on the way out the door and just can't leave a hot body alone. But that's different.

I have to be pretty good friends with a woman before I can call her up and say, "Hi, I have to be at the club in 45 minutes, but I was wondering if I could stop in on my way to work and say hellll-LO."

Posted by philip at 12:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

By Wednesday night I'll be good and ready for some of the sex. Plus performing live makes me super-horny.

I suppose I'm just asking for scandal by posting something like this... "Come down to the club on Wednesday night and lay me." Ha, but that's why I love the World Wide Internet.

Posted by philip at 12:21 AM | Permalink

"It only seems to happen when I'm not expecting it," she was saying. "When I've got on sloppy clothes, haven't shaved, hair's a mess... that's when I'll wind up going home with someone."

It's been a while since I've gotten laid when I'm not expecting it.

Before I leave the house for the night, I usually have a pretty good idea what's going to happen to me, sexually speaking. It's just experience. Experience permits extensive analysis, which takes into account the style of music at the club, the weather on that particular day, the time of year, day of the week, phase of the moon, and whether or not I got laid the night before (action breeds action).

It also depends on me. Occasionally I just like to come home by myself and get some sleep. But if, as usual, I'm the mood for trouble, there are a few things I can do in preparation that seem to make me more "layable" (not telling what).

Today was an unusually warm spring day in Halifax. Tonight at the Marquee, a big DJ competition is taking place. The club will be quite busy. I'd say I would have between an 85 and 95% chance of getting laid tonight (95 because nothing is certain in this world--nothing).

On the other hand, I'm slightly grumpy. I already worked a long stressful day in the studio. It's 10:30PM, and I'm typing this instead of getting ready to head out the door to work.

People sometimes ask me if I expect to still be living the same way ten years from now, or if I think I'll settle down, get married or something.

I reply that, ten years ago, I wouldn't have been able to predict how I'm living now; so how can I anticipate what life will be like when I'm in my forties?

I've got to go; got to get ready for work. I think I'm just going to put on some sloppy clothes tonight.

I wonder what the future holds.

Posted by philip at 10:37 PM | Permalink

My advice to young men on the subject of women: always have a Plan B.

Better still... have two Plan A's.

Posted by philip at 10:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

The day before a man is supposed to get married, his mother-in-law to be calls him up and invites him over to her house.

The man walks in and finds his mother-in-law sitting on the couch wearing very revealing clothing. She takes his hand and pulls him down on the seat beside her.

"You are marrying my daughter tomorrow," she says. "I just want you to know that, after you are married, there will be no fooling around. But you're not married yet." She slides her arm around his shoulders. "I've seen the way you look at me. I know you like my body. Well, I've always found you to be very sexy." Then she stands up.

"I'm going upstairs now," she says. "If you would like to follow me up... I'm sure we could have a very nice time together."

The man watches her walk up the stairs. "My God, she's an attractive woman," he thinks. He gets up and starts pacing around and muttering to himself. "Jesus Christ! What the hell am I supposed to do."

Suddenly he bolts for the front door. He whips the door open, only to find the father-in-law standing on the front step, choked up with emotion.

The father-in-law seizes him and embraces him passionately. "You passed the test!" he says. "You are going to make a fine son-in-law, and a wonderful addition to the family."

...
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car.

Posted by philip at 02:34 PM | Permalink

Happy National Breakup Day from an unrepentant son-of-a-bitch.

Just remember... ya can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.

Posted by philip at 02:33 PM | Permalink

You have until March 23rd to get in your nominations for the anti-bloggies.

If you've made out with me as a direct result of reading this website, the least you can do is go nominate me for "Best Use of a Blog for Personal Benefit [Sex]."

There's also a category for "Best Heterosexual Weblog." With a zero on the Kinsey scale, hot action is about as straight as they come.

If I win an award, I promise to tell you what really happened on my birthday.

Posted by philip at 01:33 PM | Permalink

A drunk woman came up to me in a bar and started telling me I had a "condescending attitude towards monogamy" and that I was needlessly snarky towards "couples who were perfectly happy."

"'Perfectly happy'"? I raised one eyebrow and pondered the striking of a nerve.

"The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two." --Ambrose Bierce.

Monogamy is funny. I always wanted to have a band called "Monogamy." Our motto would be: "Monogamy--it's not just a band, it's a lay of wife."

I know lots of happy monogamous couples, some of whom don't even argue constantly. (Was that condescending? OK, I'll stop.)

Seriously though, the official hot action stance on monogamy, stated somewhere on this website, is: "It seems to work for some people" and "Good for them."

So, no, I wouldn't say I have a condescending attitude towards monogamy.

And having established that, I'd like to point out that March 21st is National Breakup Day.

Posted by philip at 01:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

"Snuggle frog snuggle frog, I love you. I got a snuggle frog, how about you?"

Posted by philip at 01:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

She had a really nice bedroom. The walls were painted a deep shade of red, similar to the Khyber Club's current scheme. Her ceiling was white. She had a great big bed.

I was lying on my back, staring up at the ceiling. I found it relaxing to be in that red-and-white room. It made me feel like I was hanging out inside my website.

All that was needed was some giant text scrolling up the ceiling. It would probably say something like this: "Girls who paint their bedroom walls red are hot because blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah."

Then you'd see the words '1 hot talker' and you'd click on it with a giant mouse and it would say "ya don't know what you're talking about, my ex-girlfriend had her room painted red and she was a frigid bitch."

Posted by philip at 06:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Disclaimer: There may be those of you who live in the North End who think you know the room in question, and its owner/occupant, "Secret Agent Cucumber." Ha ha ha think you're clever, well the above post was not a record of a sexual encounter. We were just talking. Actually what we were talking about was the best way to go about establishing the Philip Clark Sex Army. "Secret Agent Cucumber" was suggesting I just go up to the cute girls and kidnap them. I suggested that I would prefer to have a volunteer army, and that I should wage a propaganda campaign to make women want to join. She argued that if it were a volunteer army, and recruits could come and go, how could I maintain the necessary rigorous discipline?

It is appropriate that "Secret Agent Cucumber" should be thinking about discipline within the ranks, since I'm putting her in charge of it.

Posted by philip at 06:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

TrendWatch! Charting trends in female sexuality since 1998. Today on TrendWatch we'll be covering two topics: vibrators and sixty-nines.

~ Women are saying that five years ago, they were less open to talking about sex toys, whereas today everybody seems to be into it.

I was reading this stuff in Cosmo about how "I want to use my vibrator during sex with my boyfriend, but how do I bring it up without freaking him out?"

So I thought "Hey, all right! Vibrators during sex! Women want to do it!" and set about getting in on the action.

Thanks a lot, Cosmo. Judging by my attempts in the first two months of 2003, it isn't happening much in this part of the world.

The women of Halifax don't mind talking about it amongst themselves. But it seems they're a little bit shy about sharing their self-love with a boy like me.

Perhaps because the little gizmos are still considered to be personal and intimate, and my approach, as usual, tends to be pretty straightforward (i.e., "So where do you hide your vibrator?").

I love watching women touch themselves... all over... while we have sex. Busting out the vibey just seems like the next step up.

In the past I've gotten quite turned on by the turning-on of teasing toys but so far in 2003 all of my sexual encounters have come off with no mechanical intervention that I knew of.

But anyway, don't get me wrong. It's not that I mind using my tongue all the time.

Posted by philip at 01:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I've also been doing a bit of asking around about sixty-nines lately. The current verdict among Halifax women seems to be that they are, quote, "kind of yucky."

Talk about a sexual position that's fallen out of favour.

I've been noticing this over the past year--blowing across the Canadian landscape--great gusts of feminine distaste for the old soixant-neuf.

When I was growing up... maybe I read it in a book somewhere... it was all about how "many couples find this a highly fulfilling position, due to its intense combination of giving and receiving pleasure" and blah blah blah.

I wonder what happened.

I was thinking that maybe sixty-nine was a little too "porn-star" and it made women self-conscious. But really, when was the last time you saw a boy-girl 69 in a porn flick?

The position works well for me, because I'm not really the type to sit back and passively receive pleasure. I take pleasure in getting involved.

Bring back the sixty-nine I say!

It works best when we're both lying on our sides. Mmm... like having dessert before dinner.

Posted by philip at 01:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)