hot action

I'm getting ready to blast off to Halifax. Last time down there was crazy. Mostly because I had a cellphone on me. I do believe cellphones are rad. Ring ring ring, "Hello? Oh yeah? Cool, I'll be there in ten minutes."

I can't believe I didn't write about Juno weekend. Now that the A/V disc is finished I hope to be able to write more. Release party in Hali on Saturday May 20, Saint John on the 21st...

myspace.com/avhotaction

I have some wicked plans for this weekend. Plus I'll be checking email wirelessly on my iBook... just in case you want to make me an offer I can't refuse.

Posted by philip at 02:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I was raised in a Christian home and they taught me that if you obey the Bible, you get to go to Heaven when you die.

They told me that in Heaven, everyone will be given a perfect body. So I had this vision of Heaven as some kind of big Playboy mansion in the sky with all these beautiful people lolling about.

Except there's no sex in Heaven, which seems like a waste of a pile of perfect bodies.

There's no pants in Heaven either so don't bother trying to act all innocent. Everyone will be able to see the effect all these Playboy bunny-angels are having on your perfect cock.

Safe to say that at a certain point in my life, I started to have some serious philosophical issues with the Christian religion.

"So if you can't have sex, what do you do in Heaven all day?"

"There is no such thing as day or night in Heaven."

"...So what do you do in Heaven all eternity?"

"You glorify God."

"That's it?"

"Yes."

Hmmm.

Sorry homie, I think I might respectfully decline the invitation to this party.

There's something that really freaks me out about Heaven, and it can be summed up in two words: infant mortality.

It's not just that God is a smug bastard who causes beautiful innocent babies to die. It's the fact that these babies, being free of sin, all get a free ticket to Heaven. Every one of them.

Can you imagine showing up to the Afterlife and there's millions and millions of babies everywhere?

All of them gurgling and cooing and crawling all over you with their perfect little baby bodies.

This does not sound like my idea of a bachelor's paradise.

It gets worse. Some believers in Christianity are opposed to contraception because they believe it murders billions of tiny souls. "Every sperm is sacred" and so on.

Maybe it explains how the Pearly Gates got their name. Although "Pearly Floodgates" might be more appropriate. I've probably sent a few million souls up to the glorification of God myself. I've probably sent a few million up today.

"Welcome to Heaven. The good news is the streets are paved with gold. The bad news is, ALL THE STREETS ARE FLOODED WITH COME."

Belinda Carlisle sang that "Heaven is a place on earth." Belinda baby... I've got your Heaven right here.

Seriously, is there anyone out there whose idea of Heaven involves drowning in a puddle of come? --See me after the show. Thank you good night.

Posted by philip at 01:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Hello and welcome back to hotaction.ca, the online shmide to shmex with shmilip shmark.

It's been over a week since I picked up my computer from the repair shop, but it's taken me a while to get back into writing. Mostly I forgot about the Internet. Are you still reading this? If you're still out there, leave a comment. Or send me an email. Send a picture of your breasts, if you have nice ones. Thanks.

I find it's easy to neglect a blog because the whole concept of an internet audience is so abstract. Not that I have a problem with sitting around talking to myself, after all I am a hermit who lives alone in the woods.

Should I update my blog? Or should I just go down to the cellar and write my website on the basement walls with a big fat Sharpie. Maybe I should write my website on a piece of wood with a lead pencil and then chuck it into the woodstove.

Right now there's something I need you to do for me. I need you to email me some hot gossip. I am so far out of the loop, they fired the hangman. What's going on out there? Nobody tells me anything!

This is something I miss about living alone out in the country, I never get to hear about stuff, at least not until way later. People breaking up, people getting together, who left the show with whom, somebody did something so somebody hates somebody's guts.

Even if I don't even know you. Tell me what's going on in your social circle. I could drink a cup of hot scandal right now.

I will never say a bad thing about gossip. It is the lubricant of society. Whether it's true or false, well-meaning or malicious, gossip keeps us alert to the possibilities of this world.

I especially enjoy hearing about couples that have broken up. So I can congratulate them. Hit me.

Posted by philip at 11:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)