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Times are tough in Montreal. In order to make ends meet, I've signed on as a human test subject with a pharmaceutical testing clinic.

"Pharmatronic Inc" is going to pay me to be a guinea pig for a new generic prescription drug that is currently under development. The drug they are attempting to imitate is called Sildenafil.

Known on the streets as "Viagra." Yes, now I can add Professional Viagra Tester to my colourful resume.

So I am selling my cock to science to pay the rent. I had to sign a 20-page contract. Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever. They gave me a pretty thorough examination as well. The doctor who gave me the physical was this old French guy who pronounced "penis" as "paynis." Head to toe, urinalysis, blood samples, the works.

"OK, yes, now we examine the paynis..." The physical questionnaire had an entire page devoted to penile examination, but in the end it all boiled down to a few boxes.

SYSTEM: PENIS
NORMAL: _X_
ABNORMAL: ___
NOTES: n/ap

All the tests came back perfectly negative. No drugs, no STIs. I am pleased to report that I am clean and healthy. We'll see if I remain that way after they've pumped me full of experimental imitation Viagra drugs that have never before been inflicted upon the human brain.

If I take Viagra and get a boner is there any way to tell if it's a Viagra boner, or just a normal boner? These and many other questions will be considered.

I've been in the lab once so far. They kept me two nights and I'm due to return on Tuesday. It's actually a fair bit of work. There are no placebos... it's not that kind of test. Instead they hit you with four times the normal dose and draw your blood nineteen times with needles as the drug works its way through your veins.

I'm keeping a journal about the process. To tell the truth I have mixed feelings about all of this but I'm pretty broke and they made me an offer I couldn't refuse. I'm getting a thousand bucks along with the satisfaction of knowing I'm helping your husband fulfill his manly duties.

On Saturday morning I woke up incredibly fatigued with sore muscles and there were bruises all over my arms. But I'm not sure if this is a side-effect or if it's lifestyle-related.

If something goes horribly wrong with the experiment and my noodle winds up ruined for life, thanks, it's been a good run.

Posted by philip on April 7, 2008 12:10 AM | Permalink